i_rabbit

Thanks Makita.

“My father once told me…When the most important people are in your life, your soul is like a beautiful home furnished piece by piece in elaborate memories and experiences. When that person leaves the home, it becomes empty, hollow and barren.” He told me, “You have to get new furniture now, and fill the home again.”

That this is simultaneously going on at a physical, and a metaphorically spiritual level for me is boggling my mind right now. Unfortunately ‘important people’ are not in the IKEA catalog. They require quite a bit more effort, patience, and grace to locate. More like finding that pair of shoes at Value Village that fit perfectly and still have some mileage left…

Rare find that.

The most gently unspoken gift is that I now know what love is not…

“So relationship is one of the most - or rather the most - important thing in life. That means that one has to understand what love is. Surely one comes upon it strangely, without asking for it. When you find out for yourself what love is not, then you will know what love is. Not theoretically, not verbally, but when you realize actually what it is not: not to have a mind that is combative, ambitious, a mind that is striving, comparing, imitating. Such a mind cannot possibly love.”

~ Krishnamurti

After entry way and window installation, prior to drywall, floor, and fixtures. The climbing wall looms large to the left!

As I suspected, the crows would return…

Yep. building a nest today as JoNaPo pack for Montana.

The sun has come full circle.

finish this haiku.

strange cul de sac year.
many lessons on the way.

a) better man endures.
b) life’s little curve balls.
c) three strikes and you’re out!
d) baseball? W.T.F!
e) all of the above.

blah, blah, blah some stuff about work that was removed to protect the innocent. Ironic that…

ToDo: Sheet rock bathroom, install floors, and find the frickin’ CD rom drive for my laptop are on the list this weekend. Jo and the kids leave for Montana too. That always makes life a little strange as I countdown the days till they return.

I curse the dance that Venus, Saturn, and Mars are currently engaged in, I curses it!

The sun shines brightest today at 2:30 with fullest moon in tow. I am feeling them both full on looking back on this path I set out on nearly a year ago. I have made progress (as I set out to do) but it is sometimes hard not to feel the pull of failures cast along the way.

The contractors finished their work yesterday. Now I have windows, doors, and ceilings all around. Wiring is ready and the drywall crew can come in as soon as they are available. Halfway through the loft framing I decided it really needs a window too.

Left ToDo:

• Order range and fridge
• Floor
• Tile
• Prep and Paint
• Install kitchen and bath fixtures (plumber)
• Relocate breaker panel (electrician)
• Install lights
• Take BigRed up on the couch offer
• Send invites for the partay!

Remembering bittersweet yesterdays - we fall so that we can learn to get back up - what a long strange trip this has been…

Eclipse

All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that’s to come
and everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

~ pink floyd

“Deep Breathing whispers wordlessly!” ~ zentences

Wow! Indeed.

Yoga was really deep today - really connected with my breath and grounded. On Tuesday and Thursday we practice in the ‘big room’. It has rap around windows facing Pike and Summit with a nice view of downtown and a masonic temple cupola across the street. I have always liked this room and find that, as I am usually the first one there, I can set up wherever I want. In the center of the room is a single large column. Just in front of the column is a 1″x1″ square hole in the floor that leads to… who knows?

(The Abyss!)

When I first started going I would set up to the right of the column. For the couple months I have favored the left side. On Tuesday I set up for the first time behind it. It occurred to me that there is a deeper symbolism here with the Kabbalistic Tree of Life and the relation of the spheres of Geburah, Chesed, and Tipereth. Today as I set up to the left, in what would represent the 5th Sphere - Geburah, I desided to focus on the energies that this sphere represents and note areas in my life that are reflected thus. Strength, Mars, Disorder, The Warrior. interesting to note Mars’ current proximity to earth here - it is closer than it has been in 60,000 years and just completed a two week opposition with Venus. (hmmm - can’t say that has been insignificant in our life now can we?)

I would like to explore this symbolic positioning more in the coming weeks and note the differences in my meditation and practice as they relate to the qualities of the spheres relative to the middle pillar and the ‘abyss’. Could add a new layer of insight (or delusion!) to my practice. We’ll see…

At any rate today Ujayii was strong and I did feel like a WARRIOR!

So glad I went to yoga in West Seattle on Saturday morning. There was an electrician working in the stairwell as I was leaving and I asked if he did residential work. He said yes, we exchanged numbers, and that afternoon he actually called back. He came over Sunday and, in three hours, did what would have taken me all week, for $75 cash. I am back on schedule - thank you cosmos!

Evening Edition: He finished the job tonight for another $40 and I found two guys outside of HomeDepot this evening to rough in 1600 sq. ft. of sheetrock - cheeep!

My contractors have finally kicked it into high gear after a motivational phone call on Thursday. The entry way, including front door and window, is done. Today they finished the ‘climbing wall’, which divides the ‘living’ space from what will remain ’shop’ space, and nailed the runners for the ceiling. Monday they start on the drywall and the remaining four windows. I have been on hold in the bathroom waiting for the window so I can sheetrock, so I can tile, so I can install fixtures, etc. Frustrating dependency chain sometimes but its coming together. I had to move my bed down into what will be the living room last weekend in order to rearrange and fasten the floor permanently. Its starting to feel more house-like everyday. This weekend I have electrical stuff and framing in the loft to finish off. Looks like about two-three more weeks of work till I have a functioning kitchen and bath and four more weeks till i_party time.

This explains a LOT…

“New love can look for all the world like mental illness, a blend of mania, dementia and obsession that cuts people off from friends and family and prompts out-of-character behavior - compulsive phone calling, serenades, yelling from rooftops - that could almost be mistaken for psychosis.”

“The research helps explain why love produces such disparate emotions, from euphoria to anger to anxiety, and why it seems to become even more intense when it is withdrawn. In a separate, continuing experiment, the researchers are analyzing brain images from people who have been rejected by their lovers.”

Read the New York Times Article

I won’t be updating here much for the next six weeks or so. I will instead be taking my dear old (ex)mother-in-law’s advice and documenting a permanent record of these trials and tribulations (aka “mid-life crisis”) in a spiral bound 1 subject notebook cribbed from work - only fitting. These shall be known as the “Probation Diaries”. These shall be a tale of love and labors lost and found. These shall document my rise and fall and rise again. These shall reflect my quest to become a superior man for surely I am in these straights because I am still but a child…

These shall start with a forward from the wisest man I never met…

As for your name and your body, which is the dearer?
As for your body and your wealth, which is more prized?
As for gain and loss, which is the more painful?
Thus, an excessive love for anything will cost you dear in the end.
The storing up of too much goods will entail heavy loss.
To know when you have enough is to be immune from disgrace.
To know when to stop is to be preserved from perils.
Only thus can you endure long.

~ Lao Tzu

pro·ba·tion n.

1. A process or period in which a person’s fitness, as for work or membership in a social group, is tested.
2. A trial period in which a student is given time to try to redeem failing grades or bad conduct.
3. The status of a person on probation.

di·a·ry n. pl. di·a·ries

1. A daily record, especially a personal record of events, experiences, and observations; a journal.
2. A book for use in keeping a personal record, as of experiences.