i_rabbit

Purification

This weekend was all about purification. It started with a long walk with my spiritual guide Gen Jangsem. We talked about negative karma, impermanence, and the importance of meditating on emptiness. He offered that the two most important things for me to focus on right now are renunciation, and purification of the negative karma that has ripened, manifesting as these tumors in my body. And, not just renunciation in the sense of now, like ‘I think I’ll stop drinking coffee because it’s bad for my digestion.’ but, the renunciation of conditions that give rise to future suffering at a karmic level. This is the work of a bodhisattva, to prepare for future lives, future learning, teaching and enlightenment. He shared with me the Vajrasattva Sadhana and taught me the shortened version of the mantra. This will help insure a beneficial rebirth, so that the work can continue in a future lifetime. Meanwhile I have a lot of purifying to do in this lifetime.

On Saturday a host of friends, family, and sangha came over to help with the work of clearing out old things, making dump runs, sorting Goodwill donations, and pouring old paint and other hazmat into barrels out back. Dirty work for sure. I want to thank all that showed up to lend a hand and help lighten the load; Eve, Peter, Mika, Stuart, Greg, Brian, Maggie, Angela, Macy, Hannah, Will, and Jeanette. You are all very much loved and appreciated! And a big thank you to the guy that came and towed away my old flatbed for free - w00+! Now there is room to park out back.

Now I have a ton of space in the garage and the house feels much less cluttered. Just a little more cleanup tonight in preparation for the Medicine Buddha puja that the sangha is performing here (in my living room!) Tuesday night.

Out with the old, in with the new!

I met my oncologist for the first time on Friday and had a biopsy that afternoon. He basically said that from looking at the first CT scan films and bloodwork that I likely have stage three pancreatic cancer and that it has spread to my spleen and perhaps colon. He thinks it is inoperable based on the first look and has ordered a PET scan for this week which along with the biopsy results will determine my treatment options. Not good news… I am seeking a second opinion of course and also planning to do a lot of work with my spiritual guide, yoga teachers, and naturopath. There are a lot of treatment options that western doctors do not consider when making their prognosis and diagnoses. I am relatively at peace with this process and have been feeling much better over the past week since first learning about the tumors. Evie has been a tremendous source of optimism and strength and I know that I can rely upon her for the duration. We have decided to go forward with the wedding plans that we had been considering prior to learning about this. I am really blessed to have her in my life!

:)

Evie made me a little ’snack box’ last night stuffed full of goodies. My new diet consists of mostly gnoshing throughout the day and avoiding ‘the big meal’. It was with great delight this morning that I opened the box and saw that she had portioned off little zip-locs of crackers and nuts and fruit cups and popcorn, each with a little banner inside containing the Medicine Buddha mantra; TAYATHA OM BEKHADZE BEKHADZE MAHA BEKHADZE BEKHADZE RANDZAYA SAMUGATE SOHA - YUM!!!

New Year, New Focus

This new year I, like many people, have been contemplating the past 365 days and the events and changes that have transpired in the past year. How am I different now, what have I learned, what do I want to change, how do I want to grow? I have been really happy mentally and spiritually recently but I have also recently been facing a myriad of health issues and strange physical ailments from rashes and fatigue, to unexplained weight loss, loss of appetite, and constant nausea. I lost 20 lbs in two months without trying. I mean, I was skinny to begin with - this was alarming.

Shortly before the new year I went in for a check-up and was told my blood sugars were very high and that I had developed adult onset diabetes. This led to various medications and diet changes that were largely ineffective in relieving other symptoms I was experiencing. Further testing culminated in a CT scan last Friday that showed a large growth on my pancreas and smaller cyst on my spleen. I now await my first meeting with an oncologist on Friday to go over the films and lab results from blood drawn today. I am mostly at peace with this news. It is a relief to know that I can finally begin treating the underlying cause instead of feeling like I am chasing ghosts and misdiagnosis. I worry mostly about other people’s suffering and not my own. Perhaps this is the next great challenge and opportunity for me to train in my faith through taking and giving - a real test of non-attachment. As Geshla would say; tumor’s problem, not my problem. We’ll see how the self-identification goes…

Mostly too this has caused me to rethink the whole blog thing and really look into what it was I wanted to say - why I had a blog in the first place. It’s a place to share and to record life’s fleeting moments I guess - to document the passage if you will. So, it is with a renewed focus that I will begin journalling once more as a place to record this passage into the unknown waters of cancer. I have no familiar landmarks but I feel prepared and I have my faith to guide me. I have a trusty companion by my side and a strong spiritual guide that I may rely upon. This will be a fascinating new year…