i_rabbit

New Year, New Focus

This new year I, like many people, have been contemplating the past 365 days and the events and changes that have transpired in the past year. How am I different now, what have I learned, what do I want to change, how do I want to grow? I have been really happy mentally and spiritually recently but I have also recently been facing a myriad of health issues and strange physical ailments from rashes and fatigue, to unexplained weight loss, loss of appetite, and constant nausea. I lost 20 lbs in two months without trying. I mean, I was skinny to begin with - this was alarming.

Shortly before the new year I went in for a check-up and was told my blood sugars were very high and that I had developed adult onset diabetes. This led to various medications and diet changes that were largely ineffective in relieving other symptoms I was experiencing. Further testing culminated in a CT scan last Friday that showed a large growth on my pancreas and smaller cyst on my spleen. I now await my first meeting with an oncologist on Friday to go over the films and lab results from blood drawn today. I am mostly at peace with this news. It is a relief to know that I can finally begin treating the underlying cause instead of feeling like I am chasing ghosts and misdiagnosis. I worry mostly about other people’s suffering and not my own. Perhaps this is the next great challenge and opportunity for me to train in my faith through taking and giving - a real test of non-attachment. As Geshla would say; tumor’s problem, not my problem. We’ll see how the self-identification goes…

Mostly too this has caused me to rethink the whole blog thing and really look into what it was I wanted to say - why I had a blog in the first place. It’s a place to share and to record life’s fleeting moments I guess - to document the passage if you will. So, it is with a renewed focus that I will begin journalling once more as a place to record this passage into the unknown waters of cancer. I have no familiar landmarks but I feel prepared and I have my faith to guide me. I have a trusty companion by my side and a strong spiritual guide that I may rely upon. This will be a fascinating new year…